me and darth

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Me and Darth
(Click on the picture to see it bigger)

We stopped by the Lego store at Discover Mills mall today. It was the first time we had been there, and had made the trip in search of the Eddie Bauer store. A pretty cool place… lots of things to see and do, and it seemed that most stores were outlet centers so the prices were decent. We scored at Eddie Bauer, finding a swimsuit at 70% off! And it’s purple! That store is great; I love the styles and the prices were pretty good (being an outlet store). I also found a second suit at Ross, so now I have two (which I think is a good thing to have when you’re spending a few days at the beach).

Anyways, we stopped in the Lego store afterwards and had fun. Paul took a picture of me and Darth. I’m posting it for Anne Marie’s benefit. ;-)

Also, I wanted to point out the awesome green dress I’m wearing. I found it yesterday at Kohl’s. It’s not navy blue, but it’s perfect in every other way and I’m in love with it. I would wear dresses every day if they were like this one. :-)



blue is OUT!

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Next weekend, we are headed to Hilton Head Island for the wedding of my mom’s cousin. We are going to the rehearsal dinner on the 4th of July, and the wedding is on the 5th. It should be a lot of fun, my whole family will be there, and I’m looking forward to enjoying myself! (Paul is looking forward to being on the beach!) We’re renting a condo a block away from the ocean.

I was mentally looking through my wardrobe and realized that I don’t have much to wear. I have a cute dress that I’m going to wear to the wedding on the 5th, but nothing to wear to the rehearsal dinner on the 4th. So I decided to buy something.

Here’s what I was envisioning: a cute, breezy sundress that would work for both casual beach and dresser dinner. Tea length skirt, a dark blue that could be paired with red and white accessories for a patriotic theme.

Yesterday I went shopping. First I went to Ross. Then Target. Then Macy’s, then Dillard’s. Then I walked around the mall and stopped at any store with cute dress possibilities. Nothing. Nada. ZILCH. I found almost NO blue dresses, of any shade. The few that I did find were nonexistant in my size, a really weird style (or too immodest!), or were busy patterns with other colors. I didn’t even have the problem with them being $300 and I had to turn them down because of price!

So I’m frustrated. I have no time to order anything, since we’re leaving on Thursday. I just want to go to a store and buy a blue dress! (I would open my search to white and red, but I look horrible in those colors, hence the accessory idea.) So I’m thinking I may have to expand my search to include a different color – I’m thinking teal, since that color is in right now. Which makes me very sad because I was very excited about my whole patriotic vision.

Another thing I need is a bathing suit. I haven’t owned one in a few years because the specific style I want is DEFINITELY not in. I know I’m being picky, but I don’t want to buy something just to buy something. Though I may have to.

Basically, all the suits these days look the same, I’ve noticed. There is NO creativity with style – they just take the same design and slap a different color fabric over it. I’m looking for a top that is fairly modest in the chest area. I don’t want little triangles. I don’t want a tankini that covers my stomach really well but still has a revealing top area. I don’t want a one-piece that does the same thing. (Or is really weird – what’s with the one strip of fabric that goes down the front? Is this for getting around “one-piece only” requirements??) I am not worried about bottoms, because I’ll just wear board shorts no matter what. (I’m more shy about my thighs than about my stomach!) I am okay with a one-piece, but after all those years of swim team in high school, I’m really picky about how the back is. I don’t like the big open backs but prefer the criss-cross backs. But I don’t think those exist. Actually I’m looking at my stomach now and wondering if I’m stupid for considering a two-piece. I think I need to cover that thing up. :-)

Okay I’m sorry for my rant. I am just SO frustrated trying to find clothes right now!! I have this morning to shop for a dress and then I should just forget the blue thing. But where should I go?


thank you

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Y’all have really blown me out of the water. I first put up the post with the comments disabled because I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to handle emotionally, but then I opened the comments and got such encouraging and touching comments. I really appreciate it. I’ve been trying to reply, but it’s been hard so I apologize for not responding to each and every one! I have been reading them, and I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to encourage me.

I also want to say a big thank you to the dear friends who sent me flowers. That was such a nice gesture, and it especially meant a lot because it was like they were acknowledging that it was a loss, a death. I wanted to take a picture of the flowers and put them here, but I have no energy right now and I really need to get to bed. I just want to say that if you have a friend who loses a baby while still in the womb, then flowers are such a great way to say “I’m sorry”! (Or it was for me anyways)

As for details I didn’t include in my last post… I was about six weeks along. I had gone to the doctor and she was concerned about my hormone levels being so low, so she warned me that I could be miscarrying. I was somewhat prepared for it emotionally, which made it somewhat easier I think. Of course it didn’t keep me from crying for two days straight when it finally did happen. I got some horrible cramps at the same time and once they subsided I felt much better and I think that helped with my emotions too. Now I feel like life is gradually getting back to the former swing of things. I still catch myself sometimes thinking that we will have a baby this winter! I guess even though I had known it might be a bad pregnancy, I still made a lot of plans.

I think throughout all this is my struggle to give my fertility to God. I read a lot of blogs that talk about or embrace the quiverful idea – the idea that children are blessings, and that we should embrace them to the fullest and not try to control the number or timing with any type of birth control. Even though we don’t subscribe to that exactly, I still think that the idea of having lots of children being in God’s plan for everyone is still in my head. The sad reality is that it’s not. Unfortunately, some couples who so desperately want children are unable to ever conceive. Some have one or several miscarriages. I have been struggling with the idea that God could ask of me to never be a mom of a baby I can hold in my arms. I had never considered that a possibility before, and I know that I need to be okay with it if that’s what God wants. So hard!

I know this post isn’t very polished and it’s kinda rambly. I normally go back through and proofread my posts but I think I’ll just go straight to bed tonight. It’s been a rough week, but y’all have been so incredibly supportive and I thank each and every one of you.


hitting a window

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You give and take away
You give and take away

[May] My heart… choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name”

Today I was sitting at work, and I heard a thump and a squawk and a flutter of wings. Apparently, a bird had flown into the window. As I watched him wobbly fly away to a nearby tree, my thoughts sympathized with him. I know how you feel, birdie. I hope he’s going to be okay.

This post is really hard to write. I have started it several times, taking different approaches. I can’t figure out what to say that captures what I’m feeling without being too raw. Explains what’s been going on without being too detailed. People don’t understand why I would want to make this public, but I find writing is therapeutic.

I sat down and wrote a letter yesterday.

My dear Baby,

This will perhaps be the only letter I write to you. I thought I would be writing many, but I was wrong. You were with us for only a few weeks. We were so excited about your anticipated arrival next winter! I wanted to tell everyone! But I’m glad we waited, as it makes now so much easier.

You’re in Heaven now, Baby. Not here on earth with us which makes both of us very sad. For a little while you were part of me! Perhaps it was just my imagination, but I could sense you were there. Every time I felt nauseous I knew you were there! Then I stopped feeling nauseous. Then I started feeling bad. Then, before I knew it, you were gone. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I felt so helpless, knowing that you were no longer with us. Knowing that you would not be joining our family. Knowing that I would never find out what sort of person you were. What color hair would you have had? What color eyes? What color skin? Were you a little boy or girl?

I want you to know that you were loved, little one. We knew you were sent by God. We don’t know why He decided to take you from us before we got a chance to love you on this side of the womb. We had spent the last few weeks dreaming about you, of how our life was going to change. Your daddy laughed at me as I talked in length of how I wanted to decorate your room (with cute little sheep, to reflect your last name). I laughed at your daddy when he yet again suggested “River” as a great name. Would you have liked being named “River”?

I’m sorry if I did anything to cause you to leave us so early. The doctor says I didn’t, but I still feel responsible. I wanted you here, and anything I did was out of ignorance. My heart is heavy with the knowledge that you’re gone. Someday the pain will be gone and I’ll be able to move on. But right now, I’m mourning for you, Baby, and the loss of a life we never had with you.

Your mommy, Ashley

——————————

You might be wondering how to respond or react or encourage. I thought I’d jot down a few things that have come to mind. I hope this curtails any unintentionally hurtful comments as my wounded spirit is especially emotional these days.
* It’s okay for me to be sad. You don’t need to try and put a positive spin on it to make me feel better. That actually makes me feel worse. I know things like “Well at least you know you get get pregnant!” and “You have lots more years to try again” are said with good intentions, but they hurt.
* Sometimes I want to talk about it, and sometimes I don’t. If you call me and I chatter on about unrelated things then don’t take it personally. Sometimes it’s just nice to not think about it for a while.
* This biggest one: in the future, DON’T ASK ME IF I’M PREGNANT. I want to be able to complain about a headache or about being tired without being scared of people reminding me of what I don’t have (sorry for all my friends to whom I’ve done that!). I’d really just rather never be asked that question. I promise, I will tell people when I want to announce any future pregnancy, and not before.

Thank you to all my friends. And thank you especially to Paul, who has been 100% supportive and has done everything perfectly for me, even driving me late at night to get a comfort Frosty. I love you, Paul!

Psalm 30:5 “…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”