Y’all have really blown me out of the water. I first put up the post with the comments disabled because I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to handle emotionally, but then I opened the comments and got such encouraging and touching comments. I really appreciate it. I’ve been trying to reply, but it’s been hard so I apologize for not responding to each and every one! I have been reading them, and I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to encourage me.
I also want to say a big thank you to the dear friends who sent me flowers. That was such a nice gesture, and it especially meant a lot because it was like they were acknowledging that it was a loss, a death. I wanted to take a picture of the flowers and put them here, but I have no energy right now and I really need to get to bed. I just want to say that if you have a friend who loses a baby while still in the womb, then flowers are such a great way to say “I’m sorry”! (Or it was for me anyways)
As for details I didn’t include in my last post… I was about six weeks along. I had gone to the doctor and she was concerned about my hormone levels being so low, so she warned me that I could be miscarrying. I was somewhat prepared for it emotionally, which made it somewhat easier I think. Of course it didn’t keep me from crying for two days straight when it finally did happen. I got some horrible cramps at the same time and once they subsided I felt much better and I think that helped with my emotions too. Now I feel like life is gradually getting back to the former swing of things. I still catch myself sometimes thinking that we will have a baby this winter! I guess even though I had known it might be a bad pregnancy, I still made a lot of plans.
I think throughout all this is my struggle to give my fertility to God. I read a lot of blogs that talk about or embrace the quiverful idea – the idea that children are blessings, and that we should embrace them to the fullest and not try to control the number or timing with any type of birth control. Even though we don’t subscribe to that exactly, I still think that the idea of having lots of children being in God’s plan for everyone is still in my head. The sad reality is that it’s not. Unfortunately, some couples who so desperately want children are unable to ever conceive. Some have one or several miscarriages. I have been struggling with the idea that God could ask of me to never be a mom of a baby I can hold in my arms. I had never considered that a possibility before, and I know that I need to be okay with it if that’s what God wants. So hard!
I know this post isn’t very polished and it’s kinda rambly. I normally go back through and proofread my posts but I think I’ll just go straight to bed tonight. It’s been a rough week, but y’all have been so incredibly supportive and I thank each and every one of you.