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Well it’s been a crazy weekend. After having my heart broken in a million pieces on Tuesday night, I managed to stumble through Wednesday and put on a good face while I tried to focus on the things I needed to do. I really did feel okay on Wednesday. Thursday was bad. I left in the morning for Atlanta. I cried a lot. My mom came home from work for about half an hour to see me off. I cried and cried; who would’ve thought that my senior year of college would be the hardest to leave home?

I got to Atlanta Thursday night, and on Friday I went shopping in the morning, finished my second paper in the afternoon, and in the evening my grandmother, aunt, and I went to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the Fox Theatre. It was fun, and I enjoyed the play although I couldn’t keep my mind on it. It’s getting harder and harder to keep a good spirit.

Saturday morning I left for Indianapolis. The drive was again uneventful which was fine with me. My heart was hurting, and I just wanted to curl up and cry with someone. I stayed the night with Joanna H. in her house in Indy where she’s student teaching, and she was so encouraging. We had a great time and she didn’t shut me up when I talked all the time and it felt really good to get my thoughts out. I didn’t realized how starved I was for female companionship after not having that all summer. It felt good to talk, and it was fun to talk about Orlando things.

Sunday (yesterday) after church and lunch with Joanna I drove up to Taylor. I was the first to arrive of the four of us living in Fairlane 2L. I unpacked my car some, then drove to Gerig to get my stuff out of the conference room. I was met with all sorts of people I knew, I explored 2G and said hi to everyone, and then came back to my apartment to see Joanna L. and one of my roommates Sara, who had arrived.

Yesterday was painful. I felt incredibly lonely after Joanna left to finish her paper. My roommates all arrived, but their families were around and as I was unpacking I kept running across things that reminded me of Paul, which brought back a whole new wave of hurt. I had packed some picture frames of pictures of us, things that belonged to him that now I must return, things he had given me, and just things that reminded me of him. Everywhere I see couples and it reminds me. Even though Fairlane is a new place, everything about Upland reminds me of him. I’m trying to be brave and positive, but I can’t ignore the heartbreak I feel inside. I’m trying not to blame him, but it’s so hard when I feel like everything I’m going through is his fault. My problem was falling in love with him in the first place. :-( Girls, don’t fall in love. Always keep some distance. It hurts too much when it turns out he’s not who he says he is. :-(

Bad advice? Probably. I shouldn’t be giving love advice because I’ve been hurt too much too recently. And now I’m rambling. I know there’s a process – grieving for your loss and then moving on. I don’t know where the one stops and the other begins. And when do I give up hope that he’s ever going to come back for me? What’s the line between hope and not letting go of the past?

This is what’s been going on in my life. Thanks to those of you who’ve been supportive. Please don’t be afraid if I suddenly burst into tears. These days my emotions are up and down – and they can change in a minute. And most of all – thanks for listening. I need to get things off my chest, and it’s so good to have those girl friends around to listen and offer hugs.

Well on that note I’m headed to WalMart for some serious shopping. Come visit me anyone in Upland – Fairlane 2L. :-) It would mean a lot!


and so begins a new chapter of my life…

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I can hear the slap of the back cover of a book as it closes and I pull out a new book, ready to begin a whole new chapter of my life. All the pages are blank as of yet; I have no idea what will fill them. The last chapter ended suddenly – my three-month engagement was abruptly cut short faster than I could understand it myself, and the last pages of that chapter were filled with heartache and confusion. I didn’t know what to do, what to think; I only knew I didn’t want to have to start over again.

But here I am, standing in an open doorway looking at my future. I can see partway down the road: Taylor, Fairlane, my show, graduation. Much of it looks foggy and I am a bit scared to begin this journey. I look behind me and if I ignore all the recent yucky stuff I have been wading through, the past looks so much brighter. But alas, the road that could have been has disappeared and I am left standing here – alone – with my future in front of me.

But am I really alone? Once, two summers ago, it was raining really bad here in Orlando – so bad I couldn’t even see the road. But I had to go to work, and my dad was headed to Atlanta. I was driving our van, which has bad breaks, and my dad had taken the family cell phone. I was really scared, but I had to go. I took it slowly… It was so tense but I took it one little bit at a time. The rain let up halfway there, and I was stopped at a stoplight when I heard a knock at my window. It terrified me, but when I turned to look my dad was standing there. He had been following me the whole way, unknown to me, because he loved me and wanted to make sure I was safe. Isn’t that what God’s like? You can’t see three feet in front of you, and you feel scared and all alone, and then God taps you on the shoulder and says “Don’t worry, I’m right here with you, and I have been this whole time.” And you know it’s going to be alright.

Right now, I’m embarking on this long, windy road ahead, with just God by my side, but that’s okay. God’s been whispering me to have hope, because someday Paul’s road will turn around and merge into mine and we’ll be together again. But until then I need to let God lead him wherever he needs to go, and I need to focus on God to guide me to where I need to go. Our relationship isn’t definable by familiar terms right now. I’m not engaged, I’m not dating… But my heart is definitely taken. I won’t hear from him for several months, if not longer… I won’t have him to tell my secrets to, to share my excitement, to unwind after a hard day. I don’t have the special someone who’ll do random things to make me feel like a princess, or who will take me out on dates, or tell me I’m beautiful. So I guess that makes me single right now… but not available. Through it all I’ll never stop thinking about him or praying for him, or desperately wanting him back. When he went to Ireland, counting down the days till his return helped me a lot… But now I don’t have that definite date; I just have to wait on God. And wait for Paul to reach back out to me.

They say if you love someone you should let him go, and if he comes back then he’s yours to keep. I can understand that now; if I don’t let Paul go now then I’m going to lose him forever. If only the “letting go” process didn’t have to be so yucky, or the waiting so painful.

But God is with me through it all, just like my dad was watching out for me during that rainstorm two years ago. I need to put my faith and hope in Him, that He will lead me to the greener pastures in the end. Renoir, my favorite artist, once said about continuing to paint despite arthritis, “The pain passes, but the beauty remains.” A friend told me, “This will make something beautiful in the end, and it’ll blow you away because He is God.”

And so it begins. It’s the morning after the hurricane; the quiet after the storm. But the door behind me is closed and I only have memories of dreams of the road that could have been. For now, I must take a deep breath, and make that first step forward. This time, though, God is going to be writing the rest of the book. And I pray this is simply a short chapter.


tonight

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Tonight. It all comes down to tonight. I’m a basket case; I can’t concentrate, I can’t think, I just putz around doing nothing. What’s he going to say? What should I respond with? Should I plead and beg? Should I be cold and harden my heart so I can’t feel the pain? What I don’t get is that I really prayed about this and I really felt that God was leading us towards a future together… So then why would He tell Paul something different? I’ve been praying our whole relationship, and I have felt that God was really guiding us… Why then would He guide us away from each other – forever? If we follow God, why does He lead us through heartbreak? I’m crying out to God right now… not to doubt His awesome power, but to really wonder where did I mess up, how did it get so bad?

Oh God, my God, why must we lose the ones we love? Is it wrong for me to want this relationship? How can I completely trust You? What are Your plans for me?

I am spent and broken. Lord, heal my heart.


listless wandering…

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I have so much to do, but I don’t feel like doing it. I am thinking, as always, about Paul. Because either tonight or tomorrow night he’s going to call me and tell me his decision about our future together.

I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Or rather, I’m not allowing myself to think of the best because I’m afraid that my heart is going to break all over again. This heartbreak feeling is getting all too familiar – the fresh pain that feels like a physical throbbing in my chest, the lump in my throat, the nausea in my stomach preventing my appetite. So if I expect that Paul is going to call me and tell me he’s decided to have no communication with me… then maybe I won’t be so hard hit when it happens. Maybe the pain won’t be as great.

Last night I spent a long time praying. God’s in control… and I need to trust that He’s going to make it all okay in the end. “For I know the plans I have for you…” But it’s just so hard to actually put that into practice when you can see the person you love with all your heart pulling away from you. Two weeks ago I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Paul; now I might never talk to him again. God, help me to trust in You. My biggest prayer right now is for strength. This situation is beyond my control. It’s in God’s hands now. I have given it to Him; I feel like I have nothing left to hold on to, except Jesus. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? But it’s so much easier said than done.

I have little things to look forward to this semester. But most of all, my goal is to deepen my walk with God. This situation has shown me that I need Him – that it all falls apart when He’s not involved. And putting my complete trust in Him is the only way I’m going to get through the difficult days ahead. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…” All things. Even get over Paul.


something so true….

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Your smile lights up a room
Like a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true

And missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I’m living out the life that I’ve been given
But baby I still wish you were mine

And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopeful thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will

Cause missing you is just a part of living
And missing you feels like a way of life
I’m living out the life that I’ve been given
But baby I still wish you were mine

- “Missing You” by Amy Grant