listless wandering…

listless wandering…

I have so much to do, but I don’t feel like doing it. I am thinking, as always, about Paul. Because either tonight or tomorrow night he’s going to call me and tell me his decision about our future together.

I’m hoping for the best but expecting the worst. Or rather, I’m not allowing myself to think of the best because I’m afraid that my heart is going to break all over again. This heartbreak feeling is getting all too familiar – the fresh pain that feels like a physical throbbing in my chest, the lump in my throat, the nausea in my stomach preventing my appetite. So if I expect that Paul is going to call me and tell me he’s decided to have no communication with me… then maybe I won’t be so hard hit when it happens. Maybe the pain won’t be as great.

Last night I spent a long time praying. God’s in control… and I need to trust that He’s going to make it all okay in the end. “For I know the plans I have for you…” But it’s just so hard to actually put that into practice when you can see the person you love with all your heart pulling away from you. Two weeks ago I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Paul; now I might never talk to him again. God, help me to trust in You. My biggest prayer right now is for strength. This situation is beyond my control. It’s in God’s hands now. I have given it to Him; I feel like I have nothing left to hold on to, except Jesus. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? But it’s so much easier said than done.

I have little things to look forward to this semester. But most of all, my goal is to deepen my walk with God. This situation has shown me that I need Him – that it all falls apart when He’s not involved. And putting my complete trust in Him is the only way I’m going to get through the difficult days ahead. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…” All things. Even get over Paul.

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