Well it’s been a crazy weekend. After having my heart broken in a million pieces on Tuesday night, I managed to stumble through Wednesday and put on a good face while I tried to focus on the things I needed to do. I really did feel okay on Wednesday. Thursday was bad. I left in the morning for Atlanta. I cried a lot. My mom came home from work for about half an hour to see me off. I cried and cried; who would’ve thought that my senior year of college would be the hardest to leave home?
I got to Atlanta Thursday night, and on Friday I went shopping in the morning, finished my second paper in the afternoon, and in the evening my grandmother, aunt, and I went to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the Fox Theatre. It was fun, and I enjoyed the play although I couldn’t keep my mind on it. It’s getting harder and harder to keep a good spirit.
Saturday morning I left for Indianapolis. The drive was again uneventful which was fine with me. My heart was hurting, and I just wanted to curl up and cry with someone. I stayed the night with Joanna H. in her house in Indy where she’s student teaching, and she was so encouraging. We had a great time and she didn’t shut me up when I talked all the time and it felt really good to get my thoughts out. I didn’t realized how starved I was for female companionship after not having that all summer. It felt good to talk, and it was fun to talk about Orlando things.
Sunday (yesterday) after church and lunch with Joanna I drove up to Taylor. I was the first to arrive of the four of us living in Fairlane 2L. I unpacked my car some, then drove to Gerig to get my stuff out of the conference room. I was met with all sorts of people I knew, I explored 2G and said hi to everyone, and then came back to my apartment to see Joanna L. and one of my roommates Sara, who had arrived.
Yesterday was painful. I felt incredibly lonely after Joanna left to finish her paper. My roommates all arrived, but their families were around and as I was unpacking I kept running across things that reminded me of Paul, which brought back a whole new wave of hurt. I had packed some picture frames of pictures of us, things that belonged to him that now I must return, things he had given me, and just things that reminded me of him. Everywhere I see couples and it reminds me. Even though Fairlane is a new place, everything about Upland reminds me of him. I’m trying to be brave and positive, but I can’t ignore the heartbreak I feel inside. I’m trying not to blame him, but it’s so hard when I feel like everything I’m going through is his fault. My problem was falling in love with him in the first place. :-( Girls, don’t fall in love. Always keep some distance. It hurts too much when it turns out he’s not who he says he is. :-(
Bad advice? Probably. I shouldn’t be giving love advice because I’ve been hurt too much too recently. And now I’m rambling. I know there’s a process – grieving for your loss and then moving on. I don’t know where the one stops and the other begins. And when do I give up hope that he’s ever going to come back for me? What’s the line between hope and not letting go of the past?
This is what’s been going on in my life. Thanks to those of you who’ve been supportive. Please don’t be afraid if I suddenly burst into tears. These days my emotions are up and down – and they can change in a minute. And most of all – thanks for listening. I need to get things off my chest, and it’s so good to have those girl friends around to listen and offer hugs.
Well on that note I’m headed to WalMart for some serious shopping. Come visit me anyone in Upland – Fairlane 2L. :-) It would mean a lot!