two fries short of a happy meal

two fries short of a happy meal

I remember talking to a friend last year at the end of her pregnancy. There were some issues going on at work, and she confessed to me that she was working at 50% and just didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with the issues. (So, she wasn’t worrying about them until after her maternity leave.)

Now I completely understand. I feel as if I’m at 50% now. I am not used to this feeling, and I don’t really care for it! I forget everything and I feel unreliable. And I struggle to make sense of things that before I would have easily understood. Like, can you explain one more time how to use these cloth diapers? Why are such simple concepts beyond my grasp?

Tomorrow marks 36 weeks, which to be honest terrifies me. I do *not* feel ready at all. I panic because I feel that I have so much to do before the baby comes. Like find a pediatrician. And figure out where we’re going to live. And figure out how much money I want to spend to get my cat to feel better from this unknown illness he seems to have. And figure out where in my apartment to put all this wonderful baby stuff I have, because we keep tripping over it and injuring ourselves. And reply to emails as people are bugging me that I haven’t responded to emails in so long. And I need to find a hotel for family to stay. And there are a few more things I need to buy for the baby. Oh! And it would be really good to finally decide on a name for her; I just can’t decide and I’m tired of thinking about it. And I still haven’t really decided anything about labor, but I need to be doing the exercises that I’ve been taught in my birth class and mostly I am so so so scared of the pain and I feel like I’m looking into a torture chamber and I’d rather just skip this altogether. And a teeny part of me wishes none of this happened, that everything would go just back to how they used to be, when my body was still mine and it was just me and Paul, because I know I’ll love this kid but right now I just can’t grasp how that love will make the torture chamber worth it.

Ack! I am panicking just thinking about everything.

Sorry there. The firstborn in me – the planner, the organizer, the type-A perfectionist, is coming out loud and clear. And the very emotional side of me is also coming through equally as much. NOT liking 3rd trimester Ashley. (Didn’t like 1st trimester Ashley either.)

I’ll be okay. I just kinda let my thoughts get carried away. I’m scared to admit these things online because people have pat answers sometimes, and in general I like to appear as if I have everything thought out.

I am going to stop now as I see that this blog post is not turning out how I originally intended. Besides I have a long to-do list I need to tackle.

7 thoughts on “two fries short of a happy meal”

  1. That fear of the unknown is the hardest part of pregnancy and labor. I won’t give you a pat answer or suggestion, just know that you can and will do it and the result is so worth it. Keep praying for peace. It will amaze you how, when the time comes, peace can wrap you in it’s arms and carry you through the scary unknown.

  2. I can definitely relate to having half of a brain while pregnant! It’s weird how that works. And I totally understand how overwhelmed you are right now.

    Let your family find their own hotel. Seriously. You have enough to worry about.

    And since you’re so so so terrified of labor, I kinda wonder if it would be better for you if you just had an epidural.

    I don’t know if it would make it better — they don’t always work and blah blah and sometimes there are complications and it affect the baby and blah blah, but you know this.

    Do not feel bad if you opt for an epidural. Just know that you CAN do this without one, but your mind really has to be in the right place for it. Based on all your blog posts about it, I’m not sure if you’re in the right mindset right now. Please don’t take that the wrong way!

    I mean it with love.

    And if you do the epidural, try to be as upright as possible so your baby can be in the best position.

    Also, please familiarize yourself and especially Paul with the signs of post-partum depression. I thought for sure I would get it, being away from family and having such limited help, having a newborn in the winter where I felt isolated anyway, and just generally being terrified of being a mom.

    I told this to my midwife in advance and told her to watch me like a hawk.

    I didn’t develop full-blown PPD, but I did have some baby blues for awhile. And I definitely longed for the days when it was just the two of us.

    I think its fairly normal. Just don’t suffer alone! And I will pray that you don’t get it.

  3. Ashley,

    I just had my first in February (after a miscarriage also). I was feeling very much the same way and I was teaching and exhausted….I was sooo scared of labor and also soo scare of an epidural. My husband and I practiced and practiced. I end up having to be induced…waaay past due date…..and I did it for a while without meds and then after a looooong time i dcided I needed the meds. Not in my plan but thankfully I chose that because it gave me the strength i needed for later!

    It’s great that you are able to change your mind during. Feel free to email me if you hve questions I can tell you what happened for me! My baby was fine, I was fine and my husban was fine and really that was the outcome i wanted :)
    YOu will do great!

  4. Awww, I know exactly how you feel! *Hug* You’re right in that it is our type A personalities, I think. You’re also right in that there is NOTHING I can say. Just try to trust me. You might feel unprepared at first but then you get the hang of it. And your brain comes back really quickly. Thank goodness for that! You’ll be a GREAT mommy.

  5. I wish we could be going through this together and not 1000 miles apart! I’m freaked out when I think about having a natural birth, and freaked out when I think I may have to have another cesarean. I love you and miss you!!!

  6. Hi Ashley,

    We are so close on our due dates that we could end up with the same birthdays for our babies! I know how you are feeling. I feel all the same, stressed, overwhlemed and I am a type A personality, planner, organizer, listaholic with perfectionism to boot. I still haven’t found a pediatrician either, but there is an open house we are going to on Thursday. Don’t stress too much about that. Ask around at church or Mommy friends that you have and settle on one for now. If you don’t like him/her, you can always change. With all the nesting instinct, I know it must be hard not having settled on a house. And the cat illness budget too, I have no pat answers for that except that I will specially remember you in my prayers.

    As for labor and delivery, I am terrfied too, no kidding. But I think the best you can do for now is to just let go. I consciously have blocked it out knowing that it is just adding stress and there is nothing in the world I can do about it now. I don’t know where I read it, but one doctor said: “In all my years of practice, I have never known a baby who stayed in there.”

    If you haven’t already done that, sit down with Paul and discuss all your worries. I know it helped me when I did that with my husband. I am so used to doing things without help, I just didn’t recognize when I needed help. And this is the time you do need help. Small things can be overwhelming. I pray for grace everyday, and practically, I make lists of everything. I work full time too as an Engineer, so it is a lot more tiring, but in a way it helps me stay more focused!

    I know it has been a long response, and I hope I wasn’t too preachy, I just wanted to encourage you. Hang in there, and soon your little one will be here!

  7. What is it with us type-A’s?! :-) You are about to experience one of the biggest changes in life. I think it’s completely normal and expected for us to freak out slightly! For us personally, I don’t know how my 2 hands will manage these 3 kids! At the moment, I’m recovering at my mom’s house and she and my husband have the boys taken care of. I’m just wondering if the adjustment to 3 will be as hard as 2 was.

    Soon that baby will be out and you’ll have more challenges to deal with other than picking a pedi or choosing drug-free/ vs. epidural. The road of breastfeeding is often paved with a number of bumps! With our first baby it was about 6 weeks before we were comfortably breastfeeding and the pain/soreness from it subsided. With anything, it’s a decision you have to make BEFORE the hard times come so that you don’t waver when you hit the bumps.

    Don’t be surprised if your “pregnancy brain” doesn’t go away. :-) Studies actually show that it sticks around for the first year of life! If you’re like us, and you put more babies close together with this one….you won’t have it back for a good long time :-) People will get used to the “new” you and understand!! (which reminds me! I need to get the rent check to our landlord! LOL….nothing like having a baby to throw things off a bit!)

    I have no doubt you’ll adjust into motherhood just fine. Enjoy each and every moment. Live each experience with your child to the fullest…it goes by all too fast!

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