well I guess the cat's out of the bag

well I guess the cat's out of the bag

I wasn’t going to announce this until next weekend, but I let it slip on Facebook and I guess I should just make a broad announcement. :-)

(I’m not pregnant. Stop always assuming that!)

My last day at my current job is next Friday, October 10th. This may come as a surprise (it certainly did to my boss and coworkers), but those who know me well have heard me stress about this decision for a while now. The department where I work is a fairly new operation, and as we have been successful and gained new clients, the work has picked up quite a bit. We aren’t at the point of hiring another designer yet, which makes it quite stressful right now. For some people, it’s worth it to weather the storm, but I was finding it very difficult to cope.

I feel like emotionally I’ve been spiraling ever since my miscarriage. It doesn’t help that I’ve been so busy, and it really hasn’t let up at all since June. I feel like I’ve failed in a lot of areas that I want to keep up. Simple things like cooking, or laundry. Money that we’re wasting because I just don’t have time or energy to research the cheaper alternative. Health issues – how to avoid another miscarriage? Hobbies that I never get time to pursue – stamping, sewing, reading. To be honest, I haven’t watched TV since July and I’ve hardly missed it. Look at my blogging – I miss it! I rarely comment on other blogs anymore, and so often I click “mark all as read” in my Google Reader. I just feel like I’m going going going from sun-up to sun-down.

I’m not the person who can compartmentalize. It’s very hard for me to check my emotions, to focus on other things, to not let my mind wander. I struggle so much emotionally in handling the high-stress of my job in addition to wanting to be better at my job as a wife. As that struggle wears me down, it directly affects my job performance (in both arenas, though my job as a wife has definitely taken the harder hit).

I couldn’t keep on this path forever. Something had to give, and Paul and I decided together that it was time to take a step back from the full-time job.

This is actually a good thing, for me. I’m scared though, as can be expected. It’s quite a paycheck cut and it’s going to force us to shelve our dream of owning a house for a while. That makes me sad. :-( It’s also been a huge admission of failure on my part. Sooo many women are able to keep house and full-time jobs, and don’t feel this. I don’t know how they do it. I compare myself to my coworkers or friends I know, and I want to cry. Why can I not handle this? What is wrong with me? Why must my husband suffer with my inadequacies? I can’t even do the thing that women are supposed to do and bear his children.

So yeah, I’m very much looking forward to the day that my responsibilities in the job arena are put aside for now. I feel like then maybe my life will calm down and I’ll be able to breathe.

I’ll definitely miss my coworkers, a lot. They have really been a bright spot in this chaotic life of mine! But, I know that for me I must move on. I know that this is the right decision, and that ultimately I’ll be more at peace with myself if I’m where I’ve always wanted to be!

P.S. I apologize that I’m in a bit of an emotional mood right now. I go up and down! I’ll try to blog again when I’m happier, and maybe you’ll get a different story! :-)

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