I went to the Christian bookstore yesterday to buy a CD, and got sucked in by the shelves of books. I love books. First I perused the Bible study guides, trying to find one that Paul and I could do together. I found a few that I think might be applicable, but I wanted to talk to Paul before I committed to buying any. Then I wandered over to the “Women’s Interest” section, and the “Singles” section caught my eye. In some ways, I am still thinking I am engaged (just without a date set). However, with my newfound desire to live out my life right now, I realized that I am single.

I spent an hour checking out each book, reading the backs and a few pages from the inside, pulling them out or putting them back depending on how I felt about them. I was searching for something that talked about for how one can use her singleness to an advantage. I really want to take where I am right now as an opportunity and not a curse.

I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for, but I ended up buying a book called, “When God Writes Your Love Story”, by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I was struck by this paragraph:

“I don’t know if I can ever fully convey the awesome wonder of what it was like to have a God-written love story. During my entire romance with Eric, I was so aware of the fact that it was God who was leading each step, guiding each conversation, painting each sunset, and standing over us with a smile. The cheap, imitation romance I’d known before simply could not be compared to this new kind of love I had discovered. I was daily amazed that I had come from a place of heartbreak, confusion, and compromise in relationships, to a dream come true. I had discovered a kind of divine love that can’t even be found in fairy tales, simply by giving God the pen of my life’s story and allowing Him to write each chapter.”

Another thing that struck me was in the next chapter, written by her husband:

“If God had ten women line up in front of me and said, ‘Eric, you pick,’ I would fall flat on my face before Him and say, ‘God, you know me better than I know myself… You pick!‘”

Okay, so that book isn’t exactly the “satisfied in singleness” book I was intending to get, but I think it’s going to be good. What I am struggling with right now is complete surrender to God… including my relationship with Paul. This book focuses on that, letting God have complete control. That’s what I want. Whether it’s just about my love life, or about life in general, that’s my desire. Now I only need to figure out how to give it all up, completely, and to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is my everything.