the Reason

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There is a Reason.

I say that with a capital R because it seems to be something weighing heavily over me right now. God has a mysterious Reason as to why I am where I am right now. Now it’s up to me to figure it out.

Part of me, the rebellious part, wants to scream and shout, saying “I don’t like where my life is! I refuse to be happy! I refuse to acknowledge that good can come of this!” The other part is broken and on my knees saying “God, I’m tired of the sadness and feelings of hopelessness. Please give me something to hold onto.”

Something tells me the latter response is the more mature and Christian one.

So I’m back to the Reason. God isn’t just putting me here because He needs me out of the way while He goes and fixes someone else’s life. I need to remind myself that His desire is for me to do something with my life right now, while I’m waiting. As long as I sit here in a two year old pout, God isn’t going to change things. He’s waiting for me to learn something.

So the Reason is because there is something He wants me to do right now. I don’t know what it is, but I know that as long as I don’t do it then I will remain right where I am. And since I am right here still, I must not be doing it.

Since Paul and I are not physically together right now, I am assuming that the Reason has to do with me as an individual and not us as a couple. Perhaps this is a good time to reflect on my life and decide what goals I will have for myself for this time of waiting. Kind of like New Year’s Resolutions. Perhaps one of them will be the Reason.

weddings and such

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I’m back, after 4 days in Chicago-land. It was wonderful! :-) I had a great weekend and definitely worth the cost of the plane ticket. I saw lots of people, watched one of my closest friends get married, and got to dress up in a pretty dress and have my hair done. :-p

I arrived in Chicago (Midway) on Thursday, and I had about 5 hours until Tree’s dad was going to be able to pick me up. I was going to wait, but upon arrival I quickly discovered that once you leave the passengers-only section, there isn’t anywhere to wait! I did find a few seats but they didn’t have backs and 5 hours was just too long. So I took a train downtown, and then walked four blocks to another station and took a train to Wheaton. It was fun and I was very happy to not have to wait. Tree picked me up and we went back to her house. She looked really good and was radiant (of course), and it was sooo nice to see her again! I took a four and a half hour nap when i got to her house – the effects of Dramamine – and then was awake for the evening as we hung out and prepared for pre-wedding things.

Joanna arrived Friday morning, and it was good to see her. We had a bridal luncheon and then we went to the reception place to help decorate. Afterwards, I took a long shower and got ready for the rehearsal. Meghan, Theresa, and Rachael had arrived by this point, and I was surprised to see Rachael! I didn’t know she was coming, and it was so good to see her! She had the longest trip of all of us – coming from Oregon. :-) The rehersal and dinner were nice and laid back… I was able to talk to people I hadn’t seen in a while and had an overall good time.

The wedding on Saturday was beautiful… The decorations were perfect, Tree looked absolutely gorgeous, and we all cried as she was walking down the aisle to meet her beloved at the altar. I’ve never cried at a wedding before… but when Dan started crying, that did it for me. The ceremony seems like a haze now… but I remember thinking it was beautiful. I was glad to be able to sit down afterwards though. :-)

The reception was fun and nice… The meal was delicious… The wine was okay, although I do prefer wine that is less dry. ;-) I enjoyed carrying the glass around. I even almost finished it! I seemed to have multiple conversations this weekend about my rebelliousness… Oh well… Anna’s reaction to me with wine made everything worth it. :-)

I helped Tree change out of her wedding dress and gave her a long hug goodbye. I was sad to see her go, a married woman. I know that she will always be the sweet person she is and she won’t think of me any less, but one can’t help the changes that happen when one friend marries and the other doesn’t. It’s kind of a goodbye to the friendship we used to have, especially now as we live in different areas and won’t see each other as often.

After the wedding, Matt and Alisse and I had coffee together. That was fun; getting to know Alisse and spend time with friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent a lot of time with a couple who have just started in their relationship, but they were fun to hang out with.

Overall, I pronounce the weekend “beautiful” and “fun”. :-) It would have been perfect if Paul could have been there. I was really missing him (weddings do that I guess) and I wish I could just know when I get to see him again. Oh, and one word of advice: try to avoid having your hair full of bobby pins when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport. :-)

I’m back in Orlando, not really looking forward to the same old of looking for a job. Yuck. :-p This weekend was a nice distraction, but now the real world is slapping me in the face and i have to stop ignoring it.

off to wheaton!

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After 7 1/2 years, the day is almost here – Tree’s wedding! :-) I’m leaving tomorrow morning to fly up and join the festivities. I get to spend a total of 7 hours in the airport waiting for her parents to pick me up. :-) It’s okay – I’m armed with 2 books, a crosstitching project, my CD player, and my sister’s portable DVD player (as well as a DVD of M*A*S*H episodes). So I should be good. :-)

I’m excited for her wedding, and I’m excited to see a lot of my friends there. I better get to bed now… I have to be up in 5 hours. :-p

Signing off till Sunday!


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So I didn’t really get to talk to Paul yesterday. Because of the blizzard, his siblings are staying up late and on the computer/internet. Which is fine; they have as much right to the computer as Paul has. But I don’t like not being able to talk to him.

There was a time last August when I didn’t get to talk to him. For two days he was driving home from Florida, and then I went up to Cartersville, Georgia for a wedding where 1) there was no cell service and 2) I was distracted by seeing old friends and being with my grandparents. Then I got back Sunday night and he couldn’t talk because his parents wanted to talk to him… and then I didn’t have another casual conversation with him for 12 weeks.

I think back to that time, and wish I had gotten to talk to him nightly instead of just brushing him off. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I want to savor each day as if it could be the last time we talk. So when I don’t get to talk to him like last night, it bothers me. And where is he today? He’s usually online before now…

Paul told me, “There’s nothing more that COULD happen. There’s nothing my parents could say that they haven’t said before that would make me break up with you.”

I suppose that’s truth, and I believe him… But I don’t think I’ll fully trust in the “eternity” in our relationship until we’re married. It too easily can be gone in a day. Even being engaged means nothing as far as commitment is concerned.

I suppose this is something I need to get over. I just wish I could see him every day, look into his eyes and have him tell me that he’s not going to leave me.

39 days until our 3 year anniversary… and if plans (financially) work out then 39 days until I see him again

***Paul just came online! and said something very good which i think sums up our fears: “Anytime we get off a schedule you will be afraid of it… you are not entirely sure of our relationship yet.” *sigh* it’s true… but what does it mean? how does one get over the fears that come with a broken engagement?

I miss Paul. :-(