So I didn’t really get to talk to Paul yesterday. Because of the blizzard, his siblings are staying up late and on the computer/internet. Which is fine; they have as much right to the computer as Paul has. But I don’t like not being able to talk to him.

There was a time last August when I didn’t get to talk to him. For two days he was driving home from Florida, and then I went up to Cartersville, Georgia for a wedding where 1) there was no cell service and 2) I was distracted by seeing old friends and being with my grandparents. Then I got back Sunday night and he couldn’t talk because his parents wanted to talk to him… and then I didn’t have another casual conversation with him for 12 weeks.

I think back to that time, and wish I had gotten to talk to him nightly instead of just brushing him off. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I want to savor each day as if it could be the last time we talk. So when I don’t get to talk to him like last night, it bothers me. And where is he today? He’s usually online before now…

Paul told me, “There’s nothing more that COULD happen. There’s nothing my parents could say that they haven’t said before that would make me break up with you.”

I suppose that’s truth, and I believe him… But I don’t think I’ll fully trust in the “eternity” in our relationship until we’re married. It too easily can be gone in a day. Even being engaged means nothing as far as commitment is concerned.

I suppose this is something I need to get over. I just wish I could see him every day, look into his eyes and have him tell me that he’s not going to leave me.

39 days until our 3 year anniversary… and if plans (financially) work out then 39 days until I see him again

***Paul just came online! and said something very good which i think sums up our fears: “Anytime we get off a schedule you will be afraid of it… you are not entirely sure of our relationship yet.” *sigh* it’s true… but what does it mean? how does one get over the fears that come with a broken engagement?

I miss Paul. :-(