I can’t explain it but I have this horrible feeling of dread. I’ve had it off and on for a while now, and I don’t know what or what I’m expecting. I wish I could stop it… I would love to just calm down and relax and be able to sleep at night or eat a whole meal.
It started when I saw Isaac tonight. Not that Isaac fills me with dread, but the significance was that I was giving him the ring. The ring Paul gave me three months ago. The ring that’s been in my drawer since he broke up with me. I gave it to Isaac, maybe to never see again. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I knew I didn’t want it in my room. Yet now that it’s gone, I’m sad. And filled with a sense of dread.
I am so lost and confused right now. I don’t know what to think or how to interpret Paul or how to figure out what my own feelings are. It hurts to think about Paul; I don’t want to expect anything because I know he’s just going to turn around and hurt me again. We played trust games in one of my classes today. I had a hard time with it. I don’t WANT to trust anyone. I can’t just fall back and trust someone to catch me, because I’ve had someone promise to do that and then he let me fall. It hurts, and I would never want to experience this again. Why do I have to trust people? Why can’t I just live my life alone? Isn’t this what God wants? For us to be alone so we don’t rely on anyone but Him? Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that being a Christian means a life of loneliness. Why do people try to force me to trust? Especially other Christians… they should know that God doesn’t want us to trust others. They should just let me be.
Bah trust… I hate it.