(Originally published at Onward Christian Soldier)
Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, I can’t be the perfect Christian so why even try? I am so overwhelmed with all the sins in my life and all the characteristics about myself that You hate… and I want to just crawl into a hole and die. The road is unending and weary; there are no smooth spots… People say, “have hope” but for what? Hope that everything gets better? Is there a time when You will be “done” with me? When I will stop feeling this pain? Will my rough spots ever go completely away?
Then other times I am overjoyed and thankful for You, God. I want to serve you and I feel like I can. I can put my past behind me – I know I didn’t do my devos yesterday, but I can do them today and tomorrow. It’s like an old friend you haven’t talked to in forever. If you feel guilty about it then the conversation is awkward, but if you just put that behind and know that your friend has forgiven you, then you can start moving ahead in your relationship. God, I want to know You have forgiven me for ignoring You so often. I don’t want to focus on my guilt for that, because You have forgiven me and You DO wash away my sins – I don’t need to keep reliving them.
It’s one day at a time, one step at a time. So I didn’t do my devos yesterday. I still have today to do them. And tomorrow. As long as I keep plugging on and not dwelling in the past, I can do it. God, You are reachable – I can have a relationship with You. You love me on a personal level, and not some big giant in the clouds. I need to keep this in my head.