I don’t have much to say, except that I’m kind of down right now. I am so tired of life. I have no motivation to do anything, nothing interests me right now… I feel like all I’m doing is just waiting. They say time heals a broken heart, and it just feels like there’s nothing to live for today. Everything in my life right now is so temporary. I get frustrated because I’d like to improve my life, but I can’t because it’s not worth investing in anything right now. I have lost all my desires to do the things I normally like to do. I get excited about design, but I hate sitting in the art building. I live for being able to go to bed at night… or my TV shows each week… or something that’s happening in the future. I’m so lonely, but I don’t want to reach out to people because I know I’m just going to leave them. I yearn for the one person who knows me best.
It’s not that I’m wanting to not be alive, because I know there’s a lot to live for in the future. In a few years… I’ll be able to be with Paul again. In a few years… I can settle down. In a few years… I’ll have some experience under my belt and maybe will be able to get a job I want to do. In a few years… my heart will be healed, and it will stop breaking every other day. In a few years… I’ll find close friends and a church to get involved in.
Where is my life today? Why am I here? I want to go into a coma. I want to skip ahead to the next few years. It’s not that my life is bad right now, it’s just meaningless. I’m just here waiting for it to change again. I’m tired of this all-too-familiar feeling of “just about to move”.
I have too much time and no desire to do anything with it.