This year I have been trying to take control of my health, specifically my clotting disorders. I wrote this about a month ago to some friends…

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Since Caroline was born I have really been struggling. Mostly, lack of energy, both physically and mentally. I think it has manifested itself in depression – when life is so overwhelming that I can’t deal with it and just retreat into myself. I am so tired and I hate who I am right now. I feel like I am just surviving life – my goal each and every day has been to get myself through the day with my children’s basic needs met. If I eat that day, it’s only a bonus. This doesn’t seem like a way to live life. And not to compare myself to other moms, but I’ve been looking at my friends (both online and IRL) and I don’t think this is normal. Every mom has a bad day, but it doesn’t seem that it’s every single day. I have wondered if I was lazy, but I really truly felt it was more than that. I was in counseling for depression but while that seemed to answer a lot of questions, part of me didn’t think it was exactly it. I felt I was just floundering and so tired of trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

Over a year ago I was diagnosed with homozygous MTHFR C677T. At the time, I was only concerned about it affecting my ability to stay pregnant. Now that I’m not pregnant anymore, I somewhat forgot about it but have kept it in the back of my head, especially when I’d come across research about MTHFR and depression. Then a friend sent me this link:
http://www.easytolovebut.com/?p=2782

It’s long but a good read if you want to learn more about MTHFR. The parts that spoke the most to me were these:

The MTHFR gene sits at a critical point. If you have a glitch that keeps this gene from doing its job, the cogs on both sides of the picture are going to get mucked up. Instead of the light switch being on or off, it’s stuck in some sort of dimmer switch mode, functioning, but not nearly as well as it should be. The proper interaction of methylfolate and Methyl-B12 is what drives your body’s ability to fuel every cell in your body with energy…

While exact numbers are hard to verify, one mutation on C677T means you’re probably methylating (converting) folate into methylfolate at 40-60% efficiency. If you have two mutations, that number drops to approximately 10% efficiency. In my personal experience, this is a pretty big deal when it comes to dealing with anxiety and depression.

Suddenly, everything made sense. I wanted to cry. With relief, with exhaustion… No wonder I have no energy, my body is running at 10%! Of course, while that might be the explanation, that doesn’t mean there is a miracle pill. MTHFR is largely dismissed by the medical community. I am not anti-Western medicine at all, and I’m not a person who has distrust of medical doctors… but I felt really discouraged when my hematologist brushed me off. So I sent the article to my midwife and asked her if she’d help me figure out how to supplement to make up for the methylfolate that my body is incapable of processing. She has agreed and has been doing a lot of research on her own to learn more. Can I just say I love her for that? She is truly doing what I wish my other doctor had… coming alongside me to help me figure out a treatment plan for a mutation that doesn’t have a lot of research behind yet.

The plan right now is to supplement with methylfolate. We aren’t sure what the appropriate amount should be, so we are going to start with one amount and reevaluate in 2 months. I am also going to be taking supplements of magnesium, calcium, and omega-3. I was tested for vitamin D deficiency, and my level was at 13 (compared to the 50 recommended minimum level). So I’ll be supplementing for that as well.

I am hopefully going to be ordering all these supplements soon and start them. I really hope they help with my overall energy level and depression. Actually, I really think the depression stems from not having the energy to emotionally handle challenges. I am really looking forward to being myself again. I want to be a good mom. I don’t want to be supermom, I just want to be able to do simple things like go grocery shopping AND put the groceries away when I get home.

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I started the supplements around the beginning of April. I had to buy a huge pill organizer (4 compartments for each day) to keep them all straight. :-) I have noticed a difference already – not anything major, but just in my overall energy level. I went grocery shopping with both girls today – and put away all the groceries when we got home. I also made dinner. There is still so much more I need to be doing, but I really feel this is a step in the right direction. For the first time, I feel a sense of hope, which is a wonderful thing to feel.

As we approach the end of March, we are getting closer to when my due date would have been had I not miscarried last July. My best friend, Beth, was due only 10 days before me, and her precious little guy was born last week. I had 3 other friends who were due all around the same time as me, and one other had her baby last night; the other two are still waiting.

It makes me sad. Out of all my miscarriages, I think this one was the hardest for me emotionally. To think of the “what ifs” – I would be in the final stages of my pregnancy, pulling last-minute things together. My little one would have been just weeks or possibly days apart from Beth’s – something that would have been so special for both of us, I think. I don’t spend much time dwelling on these thoughts, but this month I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

It makes me a little sad.

Of course, those thoughts are bittersweet. If that baby had made it, then the little one I am carrying right now would not be here. And I also think about how if I had not lost that baby last July, and then the next one last September, then I would never have gotten blood tests run to see if there was a reason for the miscarriages. And I wouldn’t know about the Factor V Leiden or the MTHFR. And if I was not on the extra vitamins and blood thinners, then my risk of stillbirth would be much greater. Right now, with the precautions we’re taking, the risk is the same as a women without these risk factors, which relieves me greatly.

To be honest, I would much rather have lost the baby at 6 weeks than at 36 weeks. :-( Neither is easy, but I am so grateful that I have been able to approach this pregnancy with the knowledge I have.

So, this month has been a little bittersweet for me. Sorrow at what was lost. Hope for the future. Knowledge that I am in a better place than I was 9 months ago, as hard as it was, as far as pregnancy is concerned. (I hope that makes sense?)

I keep starting posts and then deleting them. I don’t want to be complainy, but I’m in a complainy mood. I’m really quite a baby when it comes to being sick, and colds are the worst because they seem like they should be no big deal when in fact they just completely knock me out. This is coming after dealing with multiple migraines a week for 6 weeks, and 11/12 weeks of morning sickness (overlapping a little with the migraines). I’m just tired of not feeling good. :-(

I woke up Monday morning with a sore throat, and it quickly got worse. The past 5 days I have been battling sore throat, runny nose, sinus pressure, and on one day a bad sinus headache. All that fun stuff. I have been exhausted, trying to keep up with a toddler and not having the energy nor patience. And of course this week was a big week for elections, so Paul has been crazy busy and coming home to a sick wife and bored toddler is not very relaxing after a stressful day at work!

So yeah. I don’t really have anything to say except that I don’t feel good. I miss breathing. :-( It seems my cold is now moving into my chest so I guess it’s not on its way out anytime soon.

I’ll get over it. And a year from now I’ll get another cold and think “wow when I had only ONE kid it was so much easier!!”. And so on and so forth. I’m really just a complainer.

After 4 days of migraines, I was ready to try anything. I had already taken three different migraine medicines (two prescription) and was worried about taking more, so I decided to try acupuncture for the first time.

It was interesting! My migraine was not as intense as it had been the previous three days when I walked into the office, but I had a dull ache that signified that it wasn’t completely over. I liked the calming music and feeling of the office – it made me feel at ease. And fortunately, there was no incense burning! The acupuncturist talked to me for a long time, going over my history of migraines, trying to get an idea of my triggers and the different types of headaches I get. I told her about my miscarriages, my blood clotting disorder, and this pregnancy.

Then she had me lay on the table and she put several needles in different parts of my body. I was surprised at how few needles she used – I had visions of looking like a porcupine, but it wasn’t like that at all. I was also surprised that it hurt a little bit. I had been told that it just pinches, but a few of the needles were almost painful to me. But, the pain passed within a few seconds (and I was very communicative of how each made me feel). I don’t think I even felt the needles she put into my legs.

She then lowered the lights and told me that she was going to leave me for 20 or 30 minutes, and that I should try and sleep if possible. I felt very drowsy and out of it, but I didn’t sleep. All I wanted to do was itch, but I couldn’t move my hand! I tried to focus on my thoughts, letting them take me where they may. The music was very nice and calming, and it was a nice little break from life. Hmm now that I’m thinking about it, I want to go back! ;-)

Afterward, she removed the needles and helped me up slowly. She told me to come back in when I get another migraine, and that after I was no longer pregnant then she’d love for me to come back for a treatment plan of trying to end the migraines.

The dull ache was definitely gone. I did wake up the next morning with a headache, but it faded into nothing by early afternoon. So, I consider it a success! Today has been migraine-free and it’s a WONDERFUL feeling! I don’t know that I’d tell everyone else to run out and get acupuncture, but I think for this particular situation I’m glad I tried it. I’ll definitely go back if I get another one.